„Is it a pneumatic hammer in your pocket?” We-vibe Tango Vibe review

It used to be that bullet vibes inevitably meant buzzy vibrations and an itchy clit. The N or watch batters ran out at the most inopportune moments and were notoriously hard to replace. Luckily it is no longer always the case. At first we got LELO Mia with USB charging and pleasant, moderately intense vibrations (perfectly sufficient for most, but certainly not for clits of steel). Then came Salsa and Tango from Standard Innovations (We-vibe). They also had inbuilt rechargeable batteries but they proved to be crazy powerful. No wonder reviewers went crazy over them.

Salsa (now discontinued) and Tango look just like ordinary hard plastic bullets with one button control. But as it really is one just needs to press that button to see why they are anything but ordinary and totally worth the investment. The strength of the vibrations is just unprecedented.

Once upon a time…

A couple of years back I managed to get my hands on the Salsa and it instantly became Caramel’s go to clitoral stimulator dethroning even a previous favourite – her fingers. Every other vibe got labelled as “to itchy” or “to numbing”. Only Salsa’s vibrations were deep and rumbly enough to satisfy her. That’s why when I realized that I was offered a second generation Tango and not similarly named rabbit from Fun Factory I jumped on the opportunity.
Standard Innovations is famous for paying attention to their customers. They offer very few products, often opting for improving on a previous idea instead of releasing something new and half-baked. This made our hopes for the Tango even higher. It was set to either take over Salsa’s spot or be labelled as a failure.

Tango 2.0

The TL;DR on the second gen Tango is “even more awesome”. It has all the pros of the first generation: deep vibrations, elegant look and versatility (fits standard bullet holes e.g. in Tantus, Rocks Off and Fuze toys) and two less faults. The battery has better staying power and the charging no longer makes me angry.
Our Salsa worked for 20-30 minutes on a charge, after that it refused to start even though it still had some juice left. With the Tango we had to put off starting this review till we managed to completely drain the Tango (we charged it once between getting it and starting writing this, but as we are slow reviewers, we can confirm that our opinion still stands after quite a few charging cycles). Granted, we usually only use this toy for a few minutes at the time, the orgasms are too intense to keep going, it’s still an impressive feat. Salsa had a bad rep for refusing to work even when it had a lot of juice – every time I wanted to bring the intensity down I risked not being able to turn it on. Tango can be turned on even when it’s close to being completely drained. It’ll just turn off during. Luckily there is a blinking light that warns about low battery. It starts early enough that we are able to hurry up and finish before it turns off.

Both the new and the old charger have two parts: the cable and the magnetic charging port. Older version is mains powered, newer connects to an USB port (either in your PC or in your wall adapter). That’s neat since the small port is all you need to take on top of your USB charger that you’ll be taking anyway for your phone or tablet if you want to travel with your Tango.

Furthermore the new charging magnets are way stronger. Charging Salsa was frustrating because it liked to disconnect. Tango doesn’t have this problem. Once it’s connected it stays that way until I purposefully detach it.

Bullet on steroids

I really like the Tango, however, years ago, when I got the Salsa I wasn’t so enthusiastic. I yearned for a 0.25 speed setting. Those intense, rumbly vibrations combined with one button control were too much too soon for my clit. There isn’t much that could be done about the controls – a second button on the base would be too hard to click and would cause more confusion. Moving the controls to the side would only make the toy less versatile. Remote control technology is still to unreliable for me to want a remote controlled toy. As it is Tango’s lowest speed is “Oh, f*ck, that sh*t’s strong!” and I use tricks I got from Betty Dodson to deal with it. Yes, you read that right – I treat a lipstick sized vibe as I would a legendary mains-powered wand.

That’s Tango for you: 0 to 60 in a second, and then twice as much if you’re in for the ride. What’s high for a lot of vibes here get’s labelled as low – it reminds me of Bad Dragon size charts.

However if I keep to a few ground rules: stay away from my clit till it’s ready, use my underwear as a buffer at first, the Tango rewards me with quick and insanely powerful orgasms. And, unlike my massager it won’t leave my clit numb and itchy. Are those $80 orgasms? Yes, they are. Compared to lots of other similarly priced toys Tango really stands out.

I’m planning in investing in silicone sleeves for my Tango. The vibrations will spread around a bit, calm down a bit. There is no risk of them getting too weak since I very rarely venture past lever two. With the sleeve I will finally be able to enjoy the patterns – 3 pulses and a rollercoaster – as they use the full speed.

Who needs a Tango?

I don’t know whether I would recommend it to somebody with no vibrating experience. On one hand it’s a cool toy, on the other I needed time and patience to start enjoying Salsa. My girlfriend took right to it even tough previously she preferred to use her finger. LELO Mia is certainly weaker but it has a larger scale of vibrations.

If you crave the power but not in a such pin-point way, check out We-vibe Touch or LELO Siri. The vibrations are a tad weaker because of the silicone skin, but still deep and satisfying.

But if you want something strong and pinpoint, if you’ve found vibrators to be numbing and causing itching, do yourself a favour and buy the Tango. It really gives unique sensations.
And if you’ve got a beloved dildo, plug, cockring or harness with a bullet hole, all the more reason to buy the Tango. It will super-charge those like nothing else. Forget the watch batteries. It is 2015.

Don’t spring this on me – Fun Factory Spring (clitoral vibe) Review

Bargain hunting on the Internet has become one of the most popular ways of wasting time and money. While others browse clothes, shoes or books, I prefer looking for good deals on sex toys. I check out auctions on a certain website and stores whose proprietors don’t really know what they are selling (more chances you can find silicone priced similarly to jelly-shit) 1 .

From time to time I buy something – sometimes for quarter the normal price, sometimes for half and other full (but for items I couldn’t get otherwise in Poland). The results are very different: from toys that we joke we’ll fight for custody of in case we split2 to… oh well… Fun Factory Spring.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh. After all this toy is not evil incarnate. It’s not like it’s LELO Ida which deserves it’s own horror movie as a homage (or even a full season of American Horror Story). I can point out Spring’s strong points without having to think about it or exaggerate. A toy without those features (almost) wouldn’t be able to make my favorite list. But… Let’s start from the top.

100_2470Fun Factory Spring is a rather short and girthy vibe covered with pistachio or raspberry-colored silicone sleeve. Because of it’s brand you don’t have to worry about safety of the materials – it’s just what it says on the package – pure, medical grade silicone body and non-toxic hard plastic base. The sleeve covering the motor is quite soft and gives way when squeezed firmly with fingers but not then in use. The finish is matte, without grain. In my experience it has far less drag than Fun Factory’s Flash or Calla but more than LELO Ella. A drop or two of lube go a long way with this one.

Fun Factory SringThe tip and the shaft of the vibe is decorated with four randomly placed convex flowers. While the three down the shaft aren’t very prominent and I don’t feel them much, the one near the end stands out more and saves this toy from getting Disappointment of the Year award. Why? I’ll get to that in a bit.

Spring is powered by a long-lasting inbuilt rechargeable battery. To charge it up you need Fun Factory’s universal magnetic Click’n’Cacharge charger (recently they introduced a USB version). Older versions of the charger tend to be finicky, but newer (with the sticker – just like on the photo below) don’t disconnect just because someone dared to jostle them a bit. When the toy is fully charged, charger’s light changes to constant (old version) or turns off (new version). To get on the good side of environmentally conscious and those who lack free space Fun Factory often sells it’s vibes without the charger in case somebody already bought one with a previous toy purchase.

Fun Factory Click and charge new charger

Spring is easy to control with two buttons:

“+” – long press to turn it on, smoothly increase speed and then to access the first of three patterns; short press to go one level up in speeds or patterns.

“-” – long press to turn it off; short press to decrease speed or change from patterns to constant vibration.

There is no way to lock the toy to protect it from accidentally turning on while at the same time keeping it uncharged hurts the capacity of the inbuilt battery. Fortunately the buttons are designed quite well and I haven’t had any problems with them.

So far so good. You might think Spring is a quite decent vibrator: safe materials, nice look with no seams or defects, long-lasting rechargeable battery… Good B grade, maybe even B+ is I add that it’s not too noisy (can’t be heard from a closed door, comparable to other FF products). Oh, if it wasn’t for the vibrations! According to Fun Factory they are strong and deep. Maybe they are strong. But deep? More like deeply buried. As it is I grab my Spring, press “+” twice, feel the power buzzing in my hand, put in on my clit…. and fall asleep with boredom. Pressing it harder doesn’t help. Going to one of the three pulsing modes only makes it worse. Only thing that helps is rubbing the texture near the tip against my clitoris. The nub in the center of the flower helps to focus and direct just a bit of the vibrations. Then, flexing my thigh muscles as hard as I can, thinking most perverted thoughts I can imagine I can squeeze one, weak and totally unenjoyable orgasm.

I thought that since it’s so bad at external stimulation, internally it could do better. After all the irregular shape with a bit of a curve could theoretically be good for my G-spot. No such luck – the length of the toy together with the shape of the base make it so I can either insert it or grip it well. No room for both, even with my preference for shallow vaginal penetration. Once natural juices or lube are added to the mix there is no way I can thrust with this toy.

To sum it all up I’m really glad Spring was just an auction win. For the price it normally costs I expect to get more that I do from a cheap plastic “classic” vibe. In this case I got less.

Fun Factory Spring has become a tool of punishment for us. We get to use it on ourselves when we forget to charge anything better or buy AAs. Although it’s not quite fair since I get the brunt of it – Caramel prefers her fingers.

Caramel’s input:

It’s true – I don’t know how they achieved it but it’s one of the few toys that simply irritate me. When I put it on my clit I feel only light buzzing. I can make it feel better by rubbing the texture but why bother since I get more and easier with just my fingers? Then I don’t have to deal with itching numbness that Spring brings. It’s only good for irritating and tormenting. I really don’t need much clit stimulation to come. Just a tiny bit enough! But with Spring I need to rub the texture on my clit very fast or the vibrations will numb me before I have a chance to come. I blame this on too thick silicone skin and the fact that it doesn’t stick to the insides of the toy. It dampens the vibrations and decreases their depth. One day I will get mad enough to skin it and we’ll find out if this is what causes the problem.

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  1. Caramel: Wild is banned from buying new things till she deals with the backlog.
  2. Caramel: Speak for yourself – I’m not joking.

My short love affair with Mia – offsite review link

LELO Mia in pink pluged into an USB port

Twice during my career as a sex toy reviewer I managed to win a toy not knowing I was entering a contest. Funny since when I deliberately participate in giveaways I never have such luck. First time I won was caused by a allconsuming surge of love and awe for

Mathew Healy‘s glass dildos and plugs. Since I was broke at the time only way I could express myself (and I had to or I would burst) was to write an article. I’ve sent it to a Polish portal Seksualność Kobiet (Women’s Sexuality) and found out they were having a writing contest. That’s how I won LELO Mia.

Since then I’ve reviewed Mia twice, but still don’t think I’ve done it justice.

IMPORTANT: currently you can encounter three versions of LELO Mia. The first version (let’s call it 1A) is weak and prone to crashes. The second one (1B) is stronger and doesn’t crash – this is the one I reviewed. Version 2 came out recently and according to Epiphora is about as strong as 1B but is also waterproof and has a few additional patterns. If those two improvements aren’t important for you and you find a really good sale on 1B I say grab it! What you don’t want is someone saddling you with 1A. How to tell which one is which? By looking inside the cap and at the USB port:

  • 1A cap has no grooves inside, USB port is surrounded by silicone
  • 1B cap has grooves inside, USB port is surrounded by silicone
  • 2 cap has no grooves inside, USB port is surrounded by plastic painted shiny silver.

Got it? On to the review of LELO Mia the awesome clit vibe.

(Translation of this review will appear soon on the website)